HUIXUANNN Thursday, May 3, 2012
dear diary,woah. aiseh! how long has this been? haha. more than 6 mths!!! oh god! to think i actually can survived with this. haha.
have been going through a lot of changes ever since beginning of this year. im glad im going thru all these. change all i can now, and be better. (:
recently, after these 3 mths of hard work, ive been really stressed up and tired. gotten too many rejections. been too emotionally wrecked. i've already stepped out to change for the better, i shall survive it thru e end! there's been people who hasnt been willing to step out of their comfort zone and change for the better. i'm glad that i've actually walked out of it and change ever since.
yes, no doubt this job is more tiring. but it definitely is more satisfying than the previous one. no doubt i have banged too many walls on my own, been hurt for umpteenth times, but i had come this far! i will survive! (:
there's been many things that i'm worried with lately. due to my high 'S' i've gotten into a lot of complicated and unnecessary trouble. there's also been quite a number of unclosed cases. for the next half of the year, i shall aim for istanbul and work hard to my mini next year! although there's still a chance that i might change the mini to smth else.... hahhaahaha.. i need to save enough $$ to buy something first. d:
i really need to change... i must stop thinking so much... and stop thinking about those pessimistic stuffs and work hard for my future. (: i shall need to forget everything. every single thing that was the past. this is the new me! i have to embrace it! i shall live on happily, and survive independently. i believe i can! gambatte hui xuan!
love,
nancy
11:12 PM
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Blog oh blog.Recent posts were all super long and sad.
Right, if I was happy with my life, I wouldn't have came here.
Guess I dont have to bother with all those strikeouts and super small fonts le anw. bcos nobody would have came here except me. haha. pathetic right. also good la. then nobody would have know im suffering. lol. i dont need people to sympathy me. lol
it's tough acting infront of you as though i really felt nothing. i hate it when you push others to me. i've been telling you a lot of times. you never ever listened. do you even care about my existence? i doubt so. yeah, right, i guess you are the kind that just really cared for friends only, and nothing else.
i thought i could easily change to someone who really is cared about friends and all. but omg, it is SO hard to rly just care for friends totally. i am now doing that, but i thought it was really really hard to hide feelings for someone from so many people. omg. i'm so exhausted doing that!!! hais.
and why was i feeling disappointed? wasnt i supposed to be happy. because i could help them to regain their brotherhood. i am supposed to be happy. though i know because of this, i have to leave them alone. i shall not go in to distract them anymore. lol. i shall not be the cause of everything anymore. it sucks. it totally sucks to know that i am actually the cause of everything. lol. though they wont blame it on me, but yes, i know it deep down in my heart.
now that you staged a play, you want to end it halfway. you knew i hated it, yet you still staged the play. and then now, half of nowhere, you said that you dont wanna mess w it anymore. lol. and of course this includes me. i bet you dont even care for my existence. it's like with me or without me ard, is still alright with you. anyway, it was all my wishful thinking okay.
how do i say that im hurt? how do i tell people that i am? how do i tell my gf that i am hurt because of him? i cant tell it to anyone. i can only just cry to myself. it's so tiring being like that. i am so hurt. how can he always dont care about others' feelings? why does he have to manipulate others. nobody would know, nobody would be grateful for it. so why do it? i hate him to hide things from me. hate him for pushing me to others. hate him for manipulating them so that the others and i have a good relationship. i have to thank him actually, but no, im hating him for doing all this. because right now it all has became a wreck. lol.
he wont care about me. it always was me, has to be me, to make the first move. lol. i guess he's locking himself up, that's why he is so not going to make the first move. lol. everytime like that de. lol. hais. ._. aiya, don chat le blog. my eyes puffy and pain. ): bye.
10:11 PM
Saturday, August 27, 2011
hello dear diary,
i thought i would never have to use you again.
i'm sorry. there are still things which are kept deep down in my heart. and i've been thinking through. perhaps i should just stick back to my old self. i dont want to burden others anymore. i dont want to add on to their troubles. everybody has their own troubles. i should stop giving others troubles to worry about. i just want to bottle it up to myself. just me and myself shall know everything.
i cant believe im watching the same episode again and crying to myself. i guess i really just need a good cry.
for a brother like that, i really dont know what i am left to say. i am just totally speechless. you really are just plain selfish. just think of yourself and just for the sake of your child and wife. thats all. thanks for not caring about my feelings. a big thanks to you. that i really regretted having hopes that our family ties can get better as time passes.
for him to start off, he's already made two of them leave. you ever left before. you came back. why? for the fillial piety that everybody is talking about? i think? lol. but since you are just doing for the sake of doing, just like putting on a show, might as well dont do it. i dont want to hate you. it'll be so tiring for me. but it seems like i cant really seem to like you as well. i would love to. but for you to break my heart at this point of time, during this year, i just really cant take it.
seriously. when a vase breaks, there's no way things would be the same again. there's already a flaw. yet i chose to believe in that naive thinking that everything is fine. this is what happens when people are optimistic. you will just get more hurt in the end. that is why im still a pessimistic person.
and it really bothers me. im not like what others say. why is everybody saying that about me. i think i really need to reflect on myself. why do my words sound so not convincing to others? do i really fail to that extent? i am always speaking the truth, normally. until recently i've been keeping quiet for somethings.
im sorry. yes i do admit, i should have told you. but, there wasnt the right time and right place. or you could just say that i really dont feel like saying anything out for now. just really felt like going to the beach, walking in the rain, crying hard that nobody would notice, getting sick and dont have to work tomorrow. im sorry that i lied to you that i was okay. i just really dint felt that it was a good time to talk. i dint want to talk about it. i wasnt okay. but still, its time for me to act, at least learn how to act now. i dont want to be so weak. im not a weakling, i might be, for now. but i HAVE to learn to be strong.
how ridiculous it is? im just back from a cruise trip. i should have been happier. after being able to getaway for awhile. yet im back here in sg for another heart breaking moment.
i actually do uds what you were trying to get across me. i do know. im sorry i lied. i just dont want to make things more complicated. i just hope that you would stop. i dont want to be third party and neither am i interested in marriage life.
im sorry i dont know what happened to me. i guess you just seriously piss me off the other time. ever since then, i cant treat you back the same anymore. i wished you would stop being so nice to me. it just makes me guilty out of nowhere. when i really dont know why i should be guilty after i have made it clear to you. you really dont have to do this. you dont have to entertain me. dont have to tell me whatever you are doing. im just not interested. yes i do have to thank you at times because you are always one of them who knows when im down, comfort and cheered me up.
for you, i really dont know what to say. we've only been close for just this recently. im quite shocked that you know me more than what i've expected. and i cant believe your memory is good at remembering those times. thanks for making me laugh. although most of your jokes are super lame also. lol. you are just like my character, so im sure you know what im thinking.
im quite disappointed with you. im even wondering if i did the right choice by telling you so many things. lol. when times are hard, i expect you to show up. but you dint. most of the times, i felt like it was me on my own. tgt w her only. sighs.
i think i really had made a wrong decision. it wasnt right to open up to others. i should have just bottled up everything. nobody really understands. they only understand 70% of it. i need to be strong. i need to start bottling up all again. thanks for letting me realise this cruel fact.
i just promised myself that i wont turn to drinking anymore. i shall not avoid my problems and turn to drinking each time. but it seems a little hard. another voice is asking me to drink and drown myself in sorrows. sometimes i even hear another devil voice asking me to learn smoke, and do something wrong after drinking. up till now, i have been controlling myself. no gamble at casino on cruise and no drinks after meeting with problems. so what now.
just simply regretted. i should have gone out all of the way to do whatever i want. why did i let environment change my decision? why was i so fickle minded? why did i always go along with everybody's wishes? when can i live my life the way i want it? WHEN???!!!! im so pissed with myself. even up till now, i still dont know what i want for my career. this is a JOKE. everybody seems to have made up their mind, everybody has been putting in effort for their future. only me, im still hanging ard, not making up any mind. just like what she said, you really will just end up staying here forever if you're not going to make any changes to your life right NOW!!! you've gotten your cruise trip. NOW IS THE TIME TO CHANGE DEPT. CHANGE NOW!!!! CAN YOU BE MORE SWIFT AND DECISIVE?
i think its just hard to be happy. how to be happy when things keep happening? i know i need to change my views in life. but negative things are just happening every other day in my life. people close to me, people at work. i just hate humans. how cruel they can be. i hate this world. damn. if only we could end our lives without paying a price. i am sick of this reality world. so so sick.
11:02 PM